So... I have cancer

I have been meaning to write to blog for the past few months but finally I'm doing it.

So.... I have breast cancer.

Yeah, it sucks and I think "why the fuck me" but its a fact and I'm dealing.

In January I felt a new, much bigger lump in my breast. As some may already know, I felt a lump in my breast years ago but it turned out to be benign. The new lump was in the exact same place... Sort of a coincidence I guess.

I don't mess around with breast lumps so I went to my family doctor. He was awesome this time and sent me right away to get a mammogram. I remember waiting in the change room just after my mammogram listening to the radiologists whispering to each other about the extent of my huge lump and the likelihood of it being cancer. Game over right there... I feel like I knew right from the beginning exactly what it was.

A few days later I headed to freeport hospital to the Breast Clinic there to meet with a surgeon and get a breast ultrasound. After the ultrasound was the first time I actually heard a doctor tell me that I likely had cancer. I was upset. No one wants to get cancer. I was called back in the afternoon for a right-a-way biopsy. It was a two week wait for the results... The longest two weeks of my life. eeesh

So, the surgeon went on vacation during this time and I was anxious for the results so I went to my family doctor to get the results.

"Yeah, its cancer"... heart sinks... This shit sucks.

So... whats next... wait for the surgeon to get back from vaca. Pffttt I fucking hate waiting.

A week later I was in to the see the surgeon. He reiterated everything my family doctor told me but in more detail. He is actually an amazing surgeon and was really thorough. This was also the first time I heard my name and chemo in the same sentence. Holy fucking shocking... people in their 20's don't go through fucking chemo. Chemo is, what I thought, the most terrible thing ever. Holy shit.

I had the choice between a lumpectomy (take the lump out) or a mastectomy (take the whole fricking boob off). At first I was all about mastectomy... just thinking take all this shit out of me but after talking with the doctors I decided on the way less invasive lumpectomy. Including a lymph node dissection.

Surgery was booked for March 12th... I was counting down the days. I felt like as long as the lump was in me cancer was spreading all around my body and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I read up a little on how to slow the spread of cancer and it called for all kinds of soy products and flax seed... Turns out that's the worst idea ever.

Surgery day was not that bad when I walked into the triage room and my nurse was the mom of one of my good friends. What a relief. Phew. It was weird though. My mum and Jan were there with me before surgery but I had to part with them when I went into the just-moments-before-surgery room. What a weird place. It had about 5 chairs and only childrens books. I read every children's book in there while I was waiting. It was this really awkward, holy shit we're about to get surgery environment. I was in there with a few other people and not too many words were exchanged. Finally I was in the room and what a production. There were 4 or 5 nurses, the surgeon and a anesthesiologist. I lied down on the table and just before I was put out I remember the surgeon asking about my turkey tattoo. I explained about Jaslene and then I was out...

I woke up in recovery and my back fucking hurt. Forget the multiple incisions in my boob and armpit.... my back hurt. I told the hurt and she immediately added percocet to my IV. I felt much better. Then on to the other recovery room where Jan and mum were waiting. I was right out of it. Brett's mom, my nurse was there too. She asked about my pain and I told her about my back and she gave me some more percs... I felt totally fine after that. She also showed me and told me how to take care of my drain tube (my nemesis for the following two weeks). I was wheeled out to the car and went home. The rest of the night was pretty blurry though i do remember that Tricia brought us dinner and it was so delicious. Thanks so much!!

The drain tube... it was the WORST! It was a tube that came out of my side just around the bottom of my boob and at the end of the tube was a drain-fluid holder that I was instructed to empty at every 20cc's of fluid. At first it was okay but as the days went on that tube hurt like hell. During this time I had a home nurse that would visit to change my bandages. I was nice but totally inconvenient at the same time as I kept living a regular life in the meantime and had to organize nurse visiting time. I had the tube out on March 29th when I saw the surgeon. It was the best feeling ever! That tube will find a permanent image on my body as a tattoo as part of my FUCK BREAST CANCER tattoo that I will get when this is all said and done.

It was another two weeks before I got results from the surgery. I swear, there is nothing worse than hearing that you have cancer and I already had that news. This wait wasn`t too bad.

It was exactly a month to the day that I was in to see the oncologist again to talk about the chemo again. I still can`t say it without cringing (thanks hollywood). We had a long meeting and decided to start chemo two days later, April 15th... my first chemo treatment.

This is scary.. I have no idea what to expect but the worst and holy shit its scary. I`ve noticed that on medically important days I turn into a super bitch (I`m really sorry mum and Jan, but its the nerves). I`m really lucky that locally we have one of the best cancer centers in the country and it is a really nice bright place.`Phew... I was expecting a dark, dingy shit hole for a cancer center. What a relief. I am on what is called dose dense chemo so its a little more aggressive then normal but its every two weeks and for only 8 cycles. I look forward to the last one which is scheduled, if everything goes as planned, for July 22.

Chemo... scary... but not that bad so far. To administer the chemo the nurses have to dress up in these full out nuclear blast outfits and I was thinking holy shit you have to be fully protected to touch it but your injecting that shit right into my vein. Holy shit, this is going to be bad....

But it wasn`t....

I`ve only had one cycle but I`ve had no side effects except for maybe a little tiredness. I hope it stays that way...

So, if you were wondering whats going on in my life, that`s it really.

Well, Mean Screens also opened up a shop but that deserves a separate blog.