Prognosis

I get so sick of telling the same story over and over again. Especially when its a story that upsets me every time I tell it. Sometimes its just easier to write a blog. I saw my oncologist last week to discuss whether the chemo I was on was working or if I should switch. I had bone scans and body scans and it was determined that the chemo I was taking wasn't working at all. My oncologist assured me that there are still plenty of chemo options and we would be starting an IV chemo the following day. There is still hope. She then asked me if I wanted to know the prognosis for my illness. I said that yeah, I guess so… maybe its better to know. She told me that likely I will last the few months to see the summer, she doesn't think there is any reason why I wouldn't live through the summer but she sort of caps me off at 6 months to 1 year. You know you often hear that question, "What would you do if you knew you had only 6 months to live?" and here I am and I have no idea what to do. What I want is to have longer than 6 months. I feel like I'm completely lost. I can't figure out what is up or down. I want to stay positive because that's half the battle but I hardly have the energy to do anything. I hate this. Its time to be serious and look into some other options I guess like treatment in Cuba for thousands of dollars or India because I'm running out of time and this chemo doesn't seem to be working. Anyway, got any ideas? I could really use em right about now.

CANCER

This time, three years ago, I was finishing up my radiation therapy. I had already finished all 8 cycles of my chemotherapy and my hair was even starting to grow back. I was optimistic about my future, I mean I still believed I had one. I tested positive for BRCA 1 but I didn't let that affect my positive attitude. Alot of people live with BRCA 1 (including Angelina Jolie) and they live long and meaningful lives. I was such a fighter and a survivor and I wanted to believe that I had beat cancer. I heard the stories of others 'beating cancer' why couldn't I be one of them. Early 2012 I had a bilateral mastectomy as a preventative measure to nearly eliminate the risk of breast cancer again and I spent all of 2012 and early 2013 with a plastic surgeon reconstructing my breasts. The final surgery happened on my birthday of this year. I turned 31 and I thought what better way to celebrate by birthday then finally closing the 'cancer' book and opening the book of my future. The rest of my life. I was optimistic.

Two weeks later I developed a terrible cold and along with it a cough. I thought it was probably just a virus and due to the recent surgery my immune system was weakened a little. I waited to get better, but I didn't. I went to my family doctor who told me in not so many words "I don't even know why you're here, its just a cold" and sent me on my way. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. Walking winded me. This was really, really unusual.

I saw my oncologist mid April and mentioned the shortness of breath to her. She listened to my chest and sent me off for an immediate x-ray. It was the first time I heard the term 'pleural effusion', that's what I had. Pleural Effusion of the right lung. It seemed to alarm all the doctors around me. This can't be good.

Pleural effusion: excess fluid that accumulates between the two pleural layers, the fluid-filled space that surrounds the lungs. Excessive amounts of such fluid can impair breathing by limiting the expansion of the lungs during ventilation.

I had to wait a week to have any fluid drained and in the mean time I saw my plastic surgeon who amplified the severity of the situation. He hoped that maybe I had a history of Tuberculosis because that would be much better than the alternative... the cancer coming back. I immediately flashed back 3 years when my oncologist told me "if the cancer comes back... people don't recover when the cancer comes back." Sure enough the pathology report confirmed breast cancer cells in the pleural fluid. CT scans and bone scans also confirmed that there were small tumours developing on the pleural wall, left lung and possibly a rib.

Immediately my medication was changed. The tamoxifen/Zoladex combo I was taking had run its course and was no longer effective. Instead I was prescribed an aromatase inhibitor called Letrozole and sent immediately for a oophorectomy. I had a chest tube put in at the 'Malignant Pleural Effusion Clinic' where I was now a patient and had a palliative care nurse come into my home daily to drain it. In the beginning I was getting 700 ml drained everyday so naturally I assumed the worst and imagined the rest of my life with a chest tube. Kill me now! Eventually the amount of fluid draining decreased and then finally it stopped. To my absolute glee they agreed to take the tube out and manually take the rest of the fluid out (a big long needle in my back). If nothing else I was still going to enjoy the summer and actually be able to swim.

Today I got the results for all of the re-testing that was done, another CT scan and bone scan, so a comparison could be made with April's results and we could determine whether the new meds were working.

Inconclusive... is what I gathered but what I did hear is this.

"On the CT scan they see three small tumours in your right lung about 1cm or less in size each. In the left lung we see the same. There is also a small blip in your liver that might be cancer so we will have to ultrasound for that. Also in your spine on vertebrate 3 and 9 it looks like breast cancer is in there as well as in your chest bone closer to the right side. The good news in (I guess) that the pleural region stopped producing fluid even though there are small nodular tumours on the pleural region wall. Also the pleural wall is abnormally thick."

I want to fucking yell and scream and punch and stomp and slash. I hate everything right now.

Three years ago I was determined to not be define by my cancer. "I am not my cancer! I am Angi Orchard and I have cancer but I am not my cancer". I was so naive back then, I really thought I could win this fight. In reality I am my cancer. It decides my life and how long it will be. It decides how I feel and if I am able to the things that I enjoy. It has even thrown a monkey wrench in my vacation plans for this fall. It owns me and that makes me feel very angry and helpless.

So now I wait, my whole life is waiting, for he next move from my oncologists. I try to stay positive but it just feels so futile. My cancer is going to kill me, the only question is when. 1 year? 2 years? 5 years?

What a fucking waste.

Boobs are totally overrated!

There will come a day I'm sure when I won't talk about my boobs, or lack there of, anymore but today is not that day. lol I had my breast implants put in May 30th and I was so stoked to finally be done with all the surgerys for now and for about two weeks I was golden and loving my new, perky boobs but shortly after I completely my antibiotics I fell ill. I had a fever and just felt like shit and my left boob (non-cancer boob) was red and swelling. I immediately called the surgeon's office and they brushed it off as "I must have just caught a bug" and told me to call back in two days. I popped Perc's for two days and was pretty well useless because I felt so crappy. My boob continued to swell and get more red and my fever was about 103. Finally, I saw my family doctor and he said that there was definately something wrong. He gave me some antibiotics and when I saw the surgeon later on that day he gave me some more antibiotics. I was taking three different antibiotics at once and still my boob swelled. I have pictures that I will share one day on here but I'm not ready to yet (or maybe you're not ready for pics of my franken-boobs... haha). Anyway, I had emergency surgery (well it wasn't an actual emergency but since it was the next day I like to refer to it as emergency surgery). They took the implant out of my left boob aswell as 400cc of infected fluid...YUCK! and left me with a gaping wound that, until today, I had to have packed every other day. But, once the implant came out I felt like a million bucks and I still do. So, I'm a little lop-sided but I'd take that over fever and shitty feeling anyday. I will go back and re-implant the implant but I'm gonna wait until the winter (aka non-swimming season). Yeah, because of this gaping hole on my chest I can't swim... of course during the hottest summer in the history of Kitchener. Today I saw my surgeon and he said no more packing but it will still be about a month before the hole closes up... So I can go to the beach in September. My life is not just boobs and implants, I do have other things going on. We, The Rotten, played our first show back (after my surgery's) last Sunday and it was really fun. Then today we did a radio interview on Sound FM which, for those of you who don't know, is our community radio station in KW http://soundfm.ca/node/226. I sort of think of my life as pre-cancer and post-cancer. I think lots of people do but in my pre-cancer life I would hardly said anything during a radio interview and post-cancer you can't get me to shut up! I like post-cancer Ang :) Tomorrow we are playing a show at the Boathouse in Kitchener's Victoria park. I'm really looking forward to playing locally since we haven't in so long. Last Sunday (July 22nd... I will NEVER forget that date) was my two year anniversary of completing chemo. Sounds dumb but it might have been the happiest day of my life. I had this feeling of extreme accomplishment and it was like I was closing the book on pre-cancer Ang and welcoming Cancer surviving Ang in. Anyway, as a result I took a much needed day off of Mean Screens and spent all day Monday doing all the things I love and they included shopping at second-hand stores, working on my gardens and playing in our sprinkler. It was a really great break from the daily grind and I had the chance to reflect on my life and all I've been through and love the fact that I am alive and healthy today. So, if you are looking for something to do tomorrow and wanna continue to celebrate my chemo anniversary with me then come out to The Boathouse and we'll show you a good time ;)

Square foot gardening

So, we are doing square foot gardening this year in our awesome downtown backyard. To build our planters we got a really good deal at Home Depot on slightly bent cedar. Jan used his radial arm saw to make the planters. They are beautiful. In order to keep the squirrels out we need to build a chicken wire enclosure to keep them out. Jan and Brook building the frame for the chicken wire

I'm stoked that these gardens may finally produce a healthy plentiful crop of veggies. Tomorrow is planting day as we are having an Orchard family BBQ here so everyone can help out.

Holy cow its been a long time

Holy Moly it's been a long time since I wrote a blog.

So here's an update...

I got my boobs removed in January. Actually just 6 weeks ago today. I had what was called a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction all in one go. The surgery took about 2 hours and the recovery was kind of shitty. Since I was favouring my chest it made by lower back hurt and without the Percocets I could hardly walk. At first I though that bilateral mastectomies and reconstruction at the same time were a bad idea but now that I'm 6 weeks in and I'm just about ready for my implant I think it was the right choice. I've been going in to see the plastic surgeon weekly have my fillable balloon type implant things and after this week I think I'm at the size I want. I gotta tell yah, its pretty sweet that I don't have to wear a bra!!

The Rotten welcomes Kiefer on bass... (well he joined in June but then I haven't written a blog in ages). We really, really look forward to touring with Kiefer this summer. Can't wait!!

We've also been working on a new album that we hope to have ready for this summer's tour.

We'll the bread I'm baking is burning so that's it for today. I'll try to blog more often.

The Rotten tour 2011 - Review

Well the tour is over now and I'm glad and sad about it coming to an end.

I've compiled a list of all the things I love about tour that I can compare to the list of things that I don't love about tour. Lets see how it measures up.

I love...
Traveling and seeing new places

I don't love...
Traveling but not getting the chance to really experience the places we go because we are on a strict tour schedule.

I love...
Living like a gypsy

I don't love...
Living like a gypsy with 4 people in a van that can't comfortably sleep 4 people. Also, wondering when the next shower/clothes washing machine opportunity is going to arise.

I love...
Spending lots of time with the boys in my band and living as a single unit

I don't love...
Spending too much time with the boys in my band so that everyone can't stand each other. Living in a 12' x 6' box together for 3 weeks is pretty trying sometimes. I do believe though with more touring we will learn how to cope better with those frustrations.

I love...
Meeting new people... and there is nothing I don't love about that :) I also love seeing old friends which I did plenty of this tour.

I love...
Playing shows everyday

I don't love...
How my body feels now after playing shows everyday. Ever see that movie The Rocker where the drummer is practically disabled when he returns from tour just from playing... yeah, that's how I feel right now...ouch! I have bruises I don't remember getting and yesterday my bass drum attacked my knee and now I walk with a limp... WTF?

I love...
To have a minimal amount of things. Its really easy to get dressed in the morning when I have very little choice or when I wake up and I'm still dressed. That's super handy.

I don't love...
To have everyone's minimal amount of things in our 12'x6' living area. Doesn't seem so minimal in this space.

I love...
To hang out and party

I don't love...
Hanging out and partying every day. I just can't do it anymore.

I love...
Sleeping and...

I don't love...
That on tour you don't get to sleep.

I love...
That our van, with over 800 000kms on it did the whole tour beautifully

I don't love....
That after our first west tour show in Thunder Bay we realized that the only way we could start the van is by popping the hood and yanking on the positive terminal battery cable but...

I love...
That we didn't have to worry about the van being stolen because the car thief wouldn't be able to start it.

I love...
Sleeping in the van

I don't love...
Sleeping in the van when its below zero outside. Its one of those cases where you sleep fully clothed with a hoodie, toque and as many blankets you can pile on. Then you still wake up with a cold nose. Also, with all 4 of us in the van its too crowded to get a good sleep. I didn't realize until this tour how important it was to be able to stretch my legs out so they are straight. Sleeping cramped up in the van really hurt my knees... and this was before my bass drum attacked my knee.

I love...
Seeing the wildlife on the side of the highway like deer and foxes.

I don't love...
That I didn't see a freaking moose... @$%*@^#*!!!

I love...
Pizza normally but

I don't love...
Pizza everyday. However the spinach and feta pizza we got in Regina was the most delicious pizza I have ever had.

All in all the tour was amazing and an experience I will cherish for the rest of my life. There were good times and bad times. The shows were great. The people were awesome and I look very forward to our next tour!!!

Oh and....

I don't love....
Driving a million hours at a time and paying outrageous amounts of money for gas. That sucks.

April 23 Kenora and April 24 Sault Ste Marie

This will be my final blog while on tour. Well actually we are at Brando's place in Toronto right now (10am) after driving all night... AGAIN... We are trying to muster up the energy to get back into the van and drive our asses home to Kitchener. The last 48 hours to me are a total blur. All we did was drive with a few short break in different small towns to play shows. We drove 10 hours from Regina to Kenora to play the Rideout Community Center with 1971 and We Built This City (I think their name is something like that but as I said before... its a blur). The show was cool. I really liked the venue which was this very small community center on the top of a hill in small town Kenora. There were deer grazing in the street on our way up to the venue. This place reminded me... felt like when I was 16 or so and we were doing shows at the Button Factory. Really awesome!

Immediately after that show we hoped in the van and started the 16 hours drive to Sault Ste Marie. Will took driving duty first and I was navigator then we switched part way through our shift (which happened at Thunder Bay). I saw about a million deer that night but NO FUCKING MOOSE!

In Thunder Bay we were stopped by the same OPP officer that pulled us over on our way house. He came up with some bogus story that he mis-typed our plate in and it came up as a stolen vehicle... yeah right. He came up to the van and said "hey, wait a second... aren't you guys in a band?"
We reply "yup"
"Oh I think I pulled you guys over about 3 weeks ago"
"ah, yeah"
"oh, so how was the tour?"
Ha ha ha... we're thinking, if you wanted to hang out with us and live vicariously through us and our band you could have just asked.
Then when we pulled away he was right behind us and then poof he was gone. We are wondering if he might be an OPP ghost caught in the mouth of madness. Weird. Anybody else meet this cop on your travels?

At around 8am in Thunder Bay Jan and Brando took over driving duty. When we finally arrived in Sault Ste Marie it was 4pm and we were exhausted. We all hunkered down in the van in a BDO parking lot and slept until 7:30pm. We got up and waited at the venue with Greg Rekus until after 9pm when Foggy Notions finally opened and we were allowed in. The bar is really cool but being that it was Easter Sunday the whole place was a ghost town. A few people showed up and it was great to meet the other musicians. The first band was called Redd Monkey. Instead of a bass they had a cello player who played really intense cello with a bow. Really cool. They will be touring this summer and we are going to booked them a Kitchener show... So everyone come and see them. We played after Redd Monkey and we had to play ultra quiet because the bar was getting a lot of noise complaints recently. Its really awkward playing quietly... and it sounds dumb but its actually more work. It was alright though. The final act was a solo dude named Greg Rekus (former Hi Five Drive). It was an awesome and entertaining set. He's touring now too and we're trying to put together a Kitchener show for him. Come out to that show too!

Well, we're heading home now.

Happy Birthday to Brando today! And I'm sorry he had to spend the first part of his birthday driving.

I'm so glad to be home but I'm gonna miss the road.